This is the true account of the workings of his holiness "Solid Gap", as written
by brother Sebaceous Cyst, the once high historian of Gapulon. Brother Cyst was
captured by the Gap extremist movement MSG some 5 years ago, and has been sending
us his histories at regular intervals, written on strips of blanket, small pieces
of masonry, unpleasantly stained paper and conveyed by trained rats. We have collated
it with pictures of the appropriate time period and presented it to the Solid Gap for his approval.
-The monks of Gap
As I sit in my cell and scribe this text onto the toilet paper, with my own blood,
I muse on the many wonders of gap. In contemplating the forthcoming torture, I chant
the fundamental teachings of Gap... (inscribed were the thirteenth psalms ending in
"all flesh is as grass" They have been deleted for reasons of space and sanity) ...and
lo, I am distilled with happiness and my mind is a comforting blank.
I am truly blessed to have met the Gap on no less than three occasions, and I feel
proud to say I almost touched him once. I feel it is my duty to share my many years
of knowledge with the order of true Gapism. Incarcerated I may be, but by utilising
the Biscu techniques on training this rat gnawing my toes, I shall present the Chronicles of Gap.
The eternal truth
A few days ago I was forced by my captors to read the entirety of the book of Gap,
including the poetry sections! After six days of reading without rest or even a toilet
break, I momentarily felt a twinge of hatred for the scriptures. It quickly passed
when I consumed some refreshing rock bread, upon returning to my cell eight days later.
The origins of Gap are shrouded in mystery, but in my many travels I believe I have
gleaned the truth. The earliest recording of the Gap was a report of him culling an
ox in 245 AD for unknown reasons. I believe he came into being much earlier, I have
seen with my own eyes a cave painting in Germany, clearly showing Solid Gap consuming
a burnt offerings of human flesh. It is quite clear to me that he willed himself into
existence, around 0.3 seconds before the big bang, and in that time created the universe
and everything in it. I had quantities of evidence to back up my theory, but it was
unfortunately all destroyed in a freak yachting accident. This differs vastly from the
belief of the deranged sect that hold me captive. They
hold that the Egyptian sun god Ra fashioned Gap from his own godly excrement and spittle.
Ancient Greek painting of gap, marvel at his beauty.
During his time walking the earth, doing miracles and suchlike, Solid Gap wrote the
Book of Gap. It contained the wisdom of the ages and the teachings by which we should
govern ourselves. For some reason we cannot fathom he wrote it in a language so bizarre
and incomprehensible that it contains no vowels and eighty-six consonants. It has taken
teams of monks a 500 years to decipher two thirds of it.
During 1000 AD gap disappeared from the mortal plane. Many acolytes killed themselves
in anguish, believing the end of the world was nigh. More courteous followers later
discovered that the book of gap prophesised his return in the form of a mortal. The
monks prepared themselves to await the Second Coming.
Solid and Decoy, fully prepared for any eventuality, including gay pride marches, worlds cheapest watch competitions and those days you just can't be without your block of wood.
Today my toilet paper privileges were removed, I shall have to use sections of wall to write on.
Transport will be difficult (as will going to the toilet), I must remember to train more rats…
During 1989 there was much uproar in the Gapist community, after it was discovered that the "Second
Coming" had happened 6 years previously, the prophecies had been incorrectly translated. Many monks
(including my self) were sent to watch over him, however it was forbidden to interact with the holy one.
The Gapling had travelled around the world seemingly at random, with no knowledge of his great heritage.
We located him in the islands of Seychelles where he lived a simple life of eating bark, and turning an
interesting shade of orange. (See above)
At one point in his travels he came across a boy of the name Decoy Otis. After the initial vomiting
upon viewing Decoy's face, they decided to embark on a series of adventures. To quote Solid: "I
always looked up to my pal Decoy, because he was about six inches taller."
Most comical indeed, for is it not said: "thou shallt laugh till thou bringest up phlegm."
Many an evil machination did they foil and many a lost continent did they find. Such glories untold!
However this golden age was short lived. One day the creature known as Banshee Carrot came into their
lives! Wielding a nine bladed sword she...
-this section of the histories was unfortunately lost because a hungry monk ate the bit of cheese rind it was scribed on.-
…three whole melons!!! Well after that there was nothing they could do, but drink three shots of well matured Yak's urine.
Banshee cackles madly, Solid savours the unique flavour, and Decoy quaffs his without flinching
So it was then that they became good friends and many a night was whiled away playing the biscuit game.
-the texts become more and more intermittent and random-
The rats! There's too many of them! Nnngh. (-he actually wrote that-)
During a low spell in their lives they formed a ruthless biker gang called "the Butfaces" which
consisted of two members, Solid who rode a fetching pink bicycle and Decoy who rode a propane powered scooter.
Looking at me with their slanty eyes, just because I took all the cheese...
After meeting Slightly at a freakshow (he was one of the exhibits) they decided to found a group. LivTomJulCo. was born-
Something is crawling up my leg! Quick cut it off!!!!!
-the texts descends into madness and droolings at this point. We have little hope for his survival,
but more history will be supplied if he corresponds again.-