Slightly Crunchy

Slightly Crunchy's birth was an auspicious one, the son of a great physicist and a beautiful model. One had looks; the other brains but each were severely lacking in each other's strengths. His mother was the first person to create anti-matter in a science laboratory but had a face like a bullfrog while his father was a career model who successfully entered many beauty contests and was actually Miss Rochdale for four years on the trot. His father hadn't been to school as no one had thought that there was any point in wasting money teaching him.

Inevitably he inherited his mother's looks and his father's brain.

From an early age it was clear that Slightly was a "special" child with the prospects of any real mental growth very slight. He was taken to work on a farm where through trial and error and a dogged persistence, they somehow managed to find a use for him. For two months he was employed as a scarecrow and then for three months he was used as a support for runner beans to grow up. It was during this time that Slightly developed his love of being around manure.

These months spent stationary surrounded by barley and runner beans were a blessing to Slightly. He had always felt life was meant to be spent surrounded by nature and standing in a field for three months was the perfect chance to get away from the hustle and bustle of modern day life. It is still a fairly frequent occurrence that Slightly goes missing and is found several weeks later by a bemused farmer who can't understand why there is a man in his field, arms out in scarecrow position with a fixed grin on his face.

When LTJ went on an exciting trip to Alton Towers, Slightly was utterly horrified by the incredibly fast and scary roller coasters. However, that day is one he recalls to his friends regularly as it still ranks as one of the greatest days of his life. He was given a massive bag of rhubarb and custard sweets to suck on and introduced to the exhilarating thrills of what he calls "The Deadly Dino Ride"!

An amazing turning point in the life of Slightly came when the archangel Michael appeared to him in a dream and told him that he would find true lasting happiness and contentment. He explained that thinking was what stopped the mind from being still and that since Slightly rarely showed any signs of thinking that he would be excellent at meditation. Archangel Michael said that with a still mind Slightly would be able to go deep into the depths of his consciousness to the point where he would be able to let go of all his ideas about life and himself and experience the natural calm, expansive consciousness and compassionate bliss of enlightenment. This proved to be the case.



Since then Slightly has enthusiastically recommended that everyone buys all of the angels CD's and he himself has them on constant rotation. Recently he has chatted to the angel on the internet and seen him on a double-decker bus and in a night club in Leicester Square, London.

However having sampled supreme bliss Slightly, in all his wisdom, decided that rather than be completely happy for the rest of his life he would rather have a nice girlfriend with whom he could share in the wearing of bobble hats. Slightly made a trip of several thousand miles and climbed to a height of 5km up in the Indian Himalayas wearing his cheap Asda sandals just so he could buy these matching "his and her" hand-made woolen hats. He is so proud of both his hat and this delightful lady that he insisted on having two practically identical pictures of them for no apparent reason.

Today Slightly works as a semi-professional crud tennis player and although he is ranked in the Top 2 in the world he still has problems dealing with over-hanging buddleia branches and finds it hard to control the ball once it as fallen in the mulch pond.*

*See LTJ Health Farm in the Humourii section