Conspiracy

We at LTJ, through extensive undercover espionage - computer hacking, using double agents and bugging satellite links (and not, say, by just making it up as we go along) - have uncovered a top secret plot to KILL THICKOES. On 1st January 2001, all people who appear to be thick will be shot. Not, as you may have thought, through the brain (thickoes have very little, and therefore, may not die), but in the gizzards. This will be carried out by a 50,000-strong army which is currently being trained, in a joint venture, by CIA/FBI/MIB experts in a secret training facility beneath the Arctic.

This army will be able to differentiate between thick and clever because special operatives have been working undercover for decades to ensure that all thickoes wear baseball caps. The most obvious dense individuals who will be eliminated are American baseball players. The next main targets are those brainless spotty oiks who work in fast food restaurants.

This is the sort of moronic sight that greets you every time you want a hamburger. We like it this way. Don't let them shoot the poor cretins. We have, for security reasons, blurred-out this man's eyes so you can see perfectly who he is.

To counter the move to kill sportsmen and fast food workers we at LTJ had a campaign of burning down all factories which manufactured peak caps. Unfortunately several of our operatives died in the blaze, and we did not have enough funds to send them to India, Pakistan, and other low-pay countries where most caps are produced. So, although we managed to temporarily halt the produce of quality baseball caps; the real culprits: poor-quality, cheap peak caps were still being produced.
We constructed a new plan of campaign - getting moronics to REMOVE THEIR CAPS.

This exhibit looks even more dazed and bewildered than usual because he cannot comprehend his non-cap-wearing state. Note the hair.

The CIA/FBI/MIB noted that once the caps were removed, the gormless ones had very messed up hair and there were several instances of operatives targeting people with horribly messy hair. However, as they soon found out, eccentric intellectuals usually sport similar haircuts. Patrick Moore has had several narrow escapes. Unfortunately.
But when a humble office clerk, who looked like he had been wearing a cap for most of his life got shot, they realised that shooting Albert Einstein was one step too far and abandoned their plans.

Or so we thought.

Recently someone in a high position in politics in Britain saw to it that William Hague wore a peaked cap. We quickly tipped Bill off and he IMMEDIATELY removed not only his hat but also all the hair underneath which had inevitably got messed up. He now wears a wig of pig bristle construct.

Don't wear caps.

Comb your hair.

Alert your local fast-food restaurant staff to the dangers.