We at LTJ, through
extensive undercover espionage - computer hacking, using double agents and bugging
satellite links (and not, say, by just making it up as we go along) - have uncovered
a top secret plot to KILL THICKOES. On 1st January 2001, all people who appear
to be thick will be shot.
Not, as you may have thought, through the brain (thickoes have very little,
and therefore, may not die), but in the gizzards. This will be carried out by
a 50,000-strong army which is currently being trained, in a joint venture, by
CIA/FBI/MIB experts in a secret training facility beneath the Arctic.
This army will
be able to differentiate between thick and clever because special operatives
have been working undercover for decades to ensure that all thickoes wear baseball
caps. The most obvious dense individuals who will be eliminated are American
baseball players. The next main targets are those brainless spotty oiks who
work in fast food restaurants.
This is the sort of moronic sight that greets you every time you want a hamburger.
We like it this way. Don't let them shoot the poor cretins. We have, for security
reasons, blurred-out this man's eyes so you can see perfectly who he is.
To counter the
move to kill sportsmen and fast food workers we at LTJ had a campaign of burning
down all factories which manufactured peak caps. Unfortunately several of our
operatives died in the blaze, and we did not have enough funds to send them
to India, Pakistan, and other low-pay countries where most caps are produced.
So, although we managed to temporarily halt the produce of quality baseball
caps; the real culprits: poor-quality, cheap peak caps were still being produced.
We constructed a new plan of campaign - getting moronics to REMOVE THEIR CAPS.
This exhibit looks even more dazed and bewildered than usual because he cannot
comprehend his non-cap-wearing state. Note the hair.
noted that once the caps were removed, the gormless ones had very messed up
hair and there were several instances of operatives targeting people with horribly
messy hair. However, as they soon found out, eccentric intellectuals usually
sport similar haircuts. Patrick Moore has had several narrow escapes. Unfortunately.
But when a humble office clerk, who looked like he had been wearing a cap for
most of his life got shot, they realised that shooting Albert Einstein was one
step too far and abandoned their plans.
Or so we thought.
in a high position in politics in Britain saw to it that William Hague wore
a peaked cap. We quickly tipped Bill off and he IMMEDIATELY removed not only
his hat but also all the hair underneath which had inevitably got messed up.
He now wears a wig of pig bristle construct.
Comb your hair.
local fast-food restaurant staff to the dangers.